Archive: August 2007

• Last week, I walked into an open kitchen cabinet door and developed a considerable lump on my skull. Thank goodness my hair covered the inevitable angry bruise.
• Our new neighbors loved the cookies! Unfortunately, I met them after walking Ted on the hottest weekend we’ve had in a while and it was not pretty.
• On my flight to San Francisco, I had the window seat. The guy in my row on the aisle apparently had a violent full-body twitch. At first, I thought some kid was kicking me, but, no, we were all shaking. It was awkward.
• During my flight home, I realized that I have the beginnings of a cold. The sore throat is a clear giveaway.
• I’m spending most of today at a volleyball tournament to support the team JG coaches. Oh, and JG’s parents will be there, too.
• Last year, I made scarves for the three seniors on the volleyball team and almost didn’t finish in time. This year, I just about fell over when I found out that there are TEN seniors on the team. To date, I have 1.8 scarves completed and the season ends in 6 weeks.
• Tonight, we’re driving down to Williamsburg — my in-laws, JG, and me — for a friend’s wedding on Saturday.
• I plan on knitting for at least 10 of those 14 total driving hours.
• I am really glad that I have Labor Day to not labor at all.

I am happy to report that yesterday was so much better than the day before. Not only did I avoid crying, I managed to focus on the good and have a really fun time with my fellow talent-show-coordinating team members. The crisp, San Francisco air agreed with me and having dinner with co-workers within view of the Golden Gate Bridge was a great conclusion. I’m relieved to have ended the trip on a high note and also really grateful for such supportive comments in this neck of the woods. Thank you.

After a total of four days away from my boys, I’m killing most of today on a flight back home. I have to say — I’m looking forward to a little warm doggie hug. Have I crossed the line into Dog Love? Let the gloating begin. Or at least continue.

Oh, and I missed JG, too, of course.

In lieu of doggie hugs this week, I reverted to electronic Ted when I wanted a fix. My desktop wallpaper, saved pictures, Flickr set, and cell phone don’t really do him justice, but they’re nice reminders of what’s waiting for me at home.

Tune in to Roosday-Tuesday and Wednesday-Bensday for the other two-thirds of the doggie cuteness trifecta!

I am very homesick.

I have never been homesick in my life. When I went to summer camp for the first time at the age of eight, I waved my parents off nonchalantly before I left with my friend and her parents. When I started fourth grade, my first year at public school instead of my tiny private one, I took a deep breath and stepped up into the school bus, emboldened by my fluorescent gymnastics t-shirt. When I moved in to my first dorm, I guiltily relished the moment when my parents pulled away so that I could start sticky-tacking photos to the cinder block walls. Separation anxiety has never been my thing.

But right now, I wish that I were home with such fervor. My early afternoon flight on Thursday seems so far away and tears prick my eyes at the thought of so many hours until I get to leave.

I’ve had a rough day.

I knew that coming to the staff retreat would be difficult for me, but I can handle difficult. I was unprepared for the strain involved with maintaining an enthusiastic demeanor in the context of utter unhappiness. I didn’t anticipate my team’s total disregard for my work — and my corresponding frustration — and tension from disconcerting interactions with a co-worker. I didn’t expect that, when I talked it out quickly with our HR person, I would burst into tears. I had no idea that I would call JG and haltingly sob that “it was just really hard to be here.” The patchy, tinny sympathy due to a cell phone’s limitations was a mere shadow of the comfort available at home and the disparity between the two was wrenching. I wanted to be able to beam myself back, hug JG fiercely, squeeze his hand, and grit my teeth so that I could face it all again. Instead, I wandered down a sidewalk in the Presidio, clutching my phone, and wiped away my tears with my sleeve. When I see it all in one place, the whole picture is incredibly emotional and borderline pathetic. I don’t savor it.

Toward the end of the day, I realized that this is a prime week for me to be highly emotional and physically fatigued. It’s not an excuse for ridiculous behavior, but it’s a fair consideration because it makes everything more so. Headaches are more severe, emotions run higher (or lower), and tiredness hits harder. I need to breathe more deeply, talk more slowly, and consciously set my mind away from thoughts that I know will cause anguish. The tears are too close to the surface for me to allow myself the luxury of self-pity. I have to tell myself, Not now.

I’m grateful that the company talent contest went off without a hitch and ended the day on a high note for me. It’s as though the event consolidates all that is fun and goofy and lighthearted about the organization and that can never hurt. I’m so ready for bed, but I’m really ready for home.

I’m wrapping up loose ends before I trek across the country to an all-hands company retreat in San Francisco and I’m looking forward to a lot of it. Our west coast office holds the majority of my co-workers, so it’s always nice to see them in person instead of over the phone and instant messaging. It’s also rare for our entire company to be gathered in one place all at once and we have lots of events scheduled to make it fun, including a reprise of last year’s talent show, which is bound to be interesting, to say the least. I’m excited about entering a temperate climate and walking across the Golden Gate Bridge, too. The novelty of being away from home has its charms.

On the other hand, I feel ambivalent about this trip because of my ongoing job hunt. As much as I can’t wait to see my co-workers, the truth is that I so wish I were working elsewhere. I’m pretty sure that I’ll get back from full days with the staff to hurriedly check my e-mail and job posting sites for progress. When I perceive that I have a pressing priority (finding a new job), I struggle with separating my mind from it and focusing on the more immediate situation (being attentive at day-long meetings). It’s awkward, to say the least. I’m making my best effort to be engaged and present because, whether I like it or not, I am at this organization now and it behooves me to be a positive contributor. Must be professional.

On another note, it’ll be Boys’ Week at our house with JG on sole Ted duty, which means that there will be pigs-in-a-blanket for dinner at some point. I’ll miss my guys.