Out of synch? Off kilter? On the fritz? However you say it, JG and I were out of sorts this week. I don’t know what it was. I could rattle off a litany of excuses — lack of sleep, bad driving weather, physical fatigue — but they seem limp and insufficient compared to the jarring clash of our interactions.
When the rhythm is right, JG and I have a groove; our friends sometimes call it “The JG and RA Show,” and they watch our banter with amusement. We are guilty of clichéd things like finishing each other’s sentences, answering half-asked questions, and collectively reminiscing a story. I relish these moments when it’s perfectly clear to me that we’re on the same page, we’re completely aligned, and our synergy is confirmed.
But then there are times like this week, when the gears of our well-oiled machine didn’t coalesce, and instead of interlocking into a functional system, the cogs butted up against each other in a grinding struggle. Conflicting opinions in the context of similar, unyielding personalities morphed attempted communication into a hostile front. Conversations meant to be hypothetical ended up deeply personal, and suggestions turned into accusations. What was intended was not said, and what was taken away was not intended. Despite the fact that neither meant to hurt the other, it still happened. On Wednesday, I forced myself to write an e-mail to say that I was feeling simultaneously hurt and discouraged and insecure, all the while hating that I had to write it out because — couldn’t I talk to my own husband? I dabbed away the gathering tears, ashamed that I was crying at the start of my workday.
Throughout the day, JG and I had a constructive e-mail conversation to clear things up, so the issue has passed. But I can still feel prickly, sensitive bits of me bristling at sarcastic comments. I am not doing a good job at suppressing eye-rolls and groans. I have to keep reminding myself that JG is making pulled pork sandwiches for dinner tonight, at the same time refraining from nursing silent resentment over the fact that he got to stay home from work on this snowy day while I am sitting in an empty office. It’s not his fault. But it’s still irksome.
After I get home and we eat dinner, we’ll play Scrabble and watch a movie or episodes of The Office. Maybe we’ll get the groove back next week. Shrug. I know it’s all a part of two human beings living in one space and that these discordant times are for building character. Challenging myself is fine and dandy, but I confess that I prefer the times when the machine runs smoothly.
15 comments
I don’t think that last bit needs to be a confession. It’s natural to prefer the good times. But the conviction and perspective you have even during the struggling moments shows me how right you two are together. I hope you get your groove back soon. (Like Stella!)
These off periods are just part of the natural cycle of living with someone else… but knowing that doesn’t make them any less frustrating. Is there something in the air? Because we had a little meltdown of our own yesterday.
Wow, that was so well said that I totally relate. I’ve never thought about my relationship with my husband quite like that, but it describes our “cycles” well! And part of it is that I’m more aware of the differences now that there is a 3rd person in our family.
Somehow the struggles seem more obvious when we can’t just pick up and move into our separate “spaces” quite as quickly.
I actually think it’s tougher for him, because his parents were careful to not let him see them fight (or make up). My parents didn’t disagree often, but I often knew when they weren’t getting along, so to me it’s a part of life.
I hope you’re feeling back on track soon. Maybe those shoes will help?
I’m glad you were able to talk through it, and maybe after a nice weekend together you’ll be back on track
It really is only normal to go through these periods of discord, but knowing that doesn’t really make it any easier. Hang in there!
I love that you play Scrabble with your husband. Roth and I play, too. And we’re fiercely competitive with each other. Even though I’m the more “wordy” one of the pair, he often beats me because he plays smarter than I do. I’d rather put down an awesome word with minimal points than a four-letter nothing word on a triple word score.
Also: hang in there. Roth and I often go through similar fits of miscommunication. Recognizing this discord is the first step to fixing it.
It can’t all be smooth sailing, that’s for sure. I think it’s especially hard to feel distant from the person we rely on most for support–even unspoken support. Scrabble and The Office sound like a pretty fine cure, indeed.
Totally normal. Ross and I have weeks where we are super lovey and on the same page, but then there are others where I look at him and think “You, again?”
You put that excellently. Matt and I get into bad grooves off and on, I think more frequently when we are away from each other (which is more often than not at this point) because we can’t see visual cues from each other while on the phone. It also doesn’t help that sometimes the best cure for us is a hug, which isn’t possible through the phone.
Hope your weekend finds you back on track!
You said it so well. We have weeks like this too. The comfort is knowing that it will pass. The suck is knowing that it will happen again, despite all the good between you.
Hope the weekend is healing.
Seems like you dealt with it well. At least you made the effort to get things cleared up. I’m not very good with dealing with conflicts. Hope everything works out for you guys.
I’m sure next week you’ll be wondering what all the fuss is about.
On another note. It is so apparent that your a ‘word nerd’, as you put it. Your posts read so well in contrast to some other blogs I come across.
Ah, yes. Gotta love those times. Well, at least it sounds like these episodes happen in your relationship so infrequently that you notice them so strongly when they DO happen — that’s saying something pretty good, at least. I’m sure you’ll be back to normal soon.
Highs and lows - sounds like you are well on your way to the highs once again!
It’ll still be happening, 5, 10, 15 years from now. and you’ll know that you’re meant to be together because it will pass.
I love this post, I relate to this post, I know that a similar situation will arise in my own relationships, again and again. It’s always comforting to know that other people have difficult off-kilter weeks and they work through them and move on.
Thanks for sharing doll, hope things will be better next week.
xox
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