JG and I have been married for almost three years, so in our circle of church friends, it’s a common assumption that having kids is in the imminent future. Every so often, we field questions to that end, and we dance around the issue, usually citing Ted as all we can handle right now. I’m glad that we’re not hassled to the point of frustration, but it is a little off-putting when having kids is such a foregone conclusion, and if we’re not adhering to someone’s pre-conceived schedule, we’re automatically abnormal.
Even worse than the questions are those knowing nods, those sideways glances, those “we’ll see about that” sighs. “Just you wait,” they say, “once you turn thirty, you’ll want to hear little feet in your hallways and you won’t even care that they drive you crazy. You’ll see.” Okay, even if we assume that this is the case for every married couple out there, isn’t it kind of bad form to rub it in someone’s face prematurely with that fatherly, I-know-better wisdom? When that tone arises, it takes every ounce of self-restraint to shrug and reply, “Whatever you say,” and continue on my way.
The truth is that we really like our status as a married couple. I figure that we can never go back to this stage of relative footlooseness and fancy-freedom, so we’re going to stretch it out for as long as it makes sense. Even if we had kids and then ended up with an empty nest down the road, it wouldn’t be the same. It’s hard to explain that to a friend with a toddler on her hip and a bun in the oven who asks out of sheer curiosity because she so enjoys being a mom. But, really, we’re good. Thanks for asking.
At the wedding JG and I attended over the weekend, we were seated at a table with various other couples. The only couple we didn’t know, John and Kristy, were the bride’s “adopted parents” at college, and they struck up conversation right away. After learning our names, the next questions were, “How long have you been married?” and “Do you have any kids?”
JG and I went through our usual song and dance, and John and Kristy nodded along. They told us how they had four kids and a foster child at home, plus another baby who was visibly on the way.
Oh, boy, I thought. I do not want to spend this entire time talking about how we don’t have kids.
The other couples at our table jumped in to the conversation:
“That’s true, you can never go back to where you are now.”
“Yeah, but I really love being a mom.”
“Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?”
“If I didn’t have my kids, I would have more money, more sleep, less worry, and more time.”
Thankfully, the conversation eventually shifted to John’s anecdotes about being a detective, and I did much less shrinking into my chair.
Later, after the meal, when people had dispersed, Kristy leaned in and said to us, “I think you should have kids, no matter what that lady said about money and stuff.”
We chuckled. Not this again, I thought.
“No, really,” she continued. “It’s just amazing how you have this little life before you, and the two of you have this privilege to bring it up. I mean, I can’t even believe that we have four of our own, and we’re able to have another. Really. It’s amazing. It’s a miracle.”
And suddenly, I realized that Kristy was completely heartfelt. I had rolled my eyes at those cloying predictions of wanting to hear feet in hallways, but this — this was the real deal. Kristy didn’t want us to have children because it was the next step in becoming normal; she wanted us to share in that privilege of parenting a child. She was fully aware of and grateful for the weight and the gravity of being a mother, and she wanted us to know that it wasn’t all about losing sleep or spending money. Her words were strangely compelling.
On our way home from the wedding, I brought up this conversation with JG, and I think my biggest take-away was how glad I was that John and Kristy were parents. They were such a stark contrast to our typical interactions with young parents, with their sage pronouncements for our future. John and Kristy simply showed us how much they love their kids and being their parents, and that was so refreshing.
Now, don’t get your skirt in a twist because I did not have a baby-conversion moment there. Just call it food for thought.
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Tim’s mom has been subtly working on Project: Grandchild since right after we got married. She’s not overly pushy about it, but it’s obvious she’s anxious to be a grandmother, and since neither of Tim’s sisters is even in a serious relationship at the moment, let alone married, the responsibility falls on us.
Tim and I have always responded to her (and others’) subtle hints and queries with a reminder that we’re on the 5-year plan (where we will be married 5 years before having kids). There was a time when I was thinking if we were more financially stable I would be willing to shave a few years off that plan. Lately, though, I’m thinking I might want to add a few more years on. There are so many things I still want to do before I have to start worrying about being responsible for another human being, and I’m not sure 2 years is enough time to get it all done.
The nice thing about our 5-year plan, though, is that it’s our plan. Which means we can change it whenever and however we want.
I wonder if we are going to get those questions once we’re married. I never got any pressure to be in a serious relationship or get engaged from anyone. In fact, if anything my family thinks I’m too young to get married and one of Torsten’s friends keeps telling me that I definitely should not have kids until I’m 30 at the earliest. So I don’t really expect much pressure from our families and friends. But you never know.
We’ve gone through the same pressure but it’s starting to lighten up some.
First, we’ve made it abundantly clear neither of us are interested in parenting and get pretty touchy when it’s brought up again and again and again and again and again and again. Second, we’re both closer to 40 than 30 and have been together for almost a decade so our relatives have abated a bit because they’ve realized we’re not having kids.
My response to the “who’s going to take care of you when you’re old”, which I’ve heard a million times, is “if that’s the reason you chose to have kids, you deserve to be abandoned as an old lady/man.” Assuming your kids will take care of you is just that, an assumption. It assumes your kids will outlive you. It assumes they will be able to care for you financially, emotionally, and mentally. It assumes too much.
There’s something about a wedding which gets married couples randy. It’s as if weddings are the second ultimate aphrodisiac, the first being a visibly pregnant woman. And while that’s great for the couple being a bystander getting hit by those hormones whipping around isn’t all that fun.
That is a great observation. Some people really are meant for kids and want other people to share the joy. Me? I don’t see it happening, but I figure it will all come out in the wash. That’s the one good thing about not being married, you don’t get that assumption of the next step being inevitable.
When we were pregnant with our daughter, everyone wanted to know how the baby’s room was coming along. E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. And we didn’t have a baby’s room at that point because we were in a tiny apartment. Then everyone wanted to know when we would buy a house, because you can’t have kids if you don’t have a house. And now everyone wants to know when we’ll be having child no. 2 because clearly you can’t just have one kid.
I honestly think people just like having an advantage over someone else, they like to have something they can pass on because they feel their wisdom needs to go forth & multiply.
It’s too bad we’re polite, sometimes
It’s nice to talk to people that are sincere about it. C and I will have our year anniversary in June and people ask us all the time when we will have a child. We have both agreed it will not be any time soon if we can help it (if at all). There are too many things we’d like to do before we are tied down, having 3 dogs is like having children, but not. I hate that the next thing people think of after you get married is that you need to have kids. Geesh, can’t we just enjoy now?
Ha, Cody and I have been married for almost 4 years now, and it is almost constant, the “so, are y’all thinking about kids?” and the “are you next?”. We only have two couple-friends left here who are child-free, and I have a feeling that one of them is going to change status within the year.
Still, it just doesn’t make sense to have a baby, a HUGE, GIGANTIC responsibility and proposition, until you feel like you’re ready to do so. I mean, if I got pregnant accidentally, obviously I would learn to deal with the idea of it, and I would (hopefully) be prepared by the time my 9months was up. However, if I have any say in things, I won’t be giving birth until my little ovaries are telling me there’s no way they can wait another day.
I enjoy playing with my friends ‘and family members’ kids, and enjoy watching them parent. It’s interesting how much (I think) I’ve gleaned from just watching all the different styles of parenting modeled by my friends. Hopefully by the time it IS my turn (if that time ever comes), I’ll be fairly well-rounded. Wasn’t that a parenthetical comment? I hope you enjoyed it (as much as I did)!
This is a great post; I think you may be interested in reading (if you haven’t already) the poem on children in “The Prophet” by Khalil Jibran. He echoes the sentiment expressed by Kristy.
xox
That’s actually how most of my friends view having children, so I don’t feel any pressure; however, just the (constant) conversation is enough for me to be thankful I’m single and without child. I’m glad to see that you have considered the other side of spawning some little demons of your own. Oh gracious. Did I just say that?
By demons, I meant angels, of course! 
Ted and I will be celebrating our 4 year anniversary next month. It astounds people that we don’t have children. In fact, I think sometimes they are actually mad at us. Ted and I had planned on trying to get pregnant this year….but my dad is taking the whole family on an all expenses paid cruise in January, so the baby making is going to wait. Sorry, baby, but I plan on enjoying my free cruise.
Sorry, tangent. Anyhow, having children is a very personal choice, and it really bothers me that people try to impose their beliefs/feelings/choices on others. Getting pregnant is not something to be taken lightly….and I’ll do it when I’m damn good and ready. Am I allowed to say damn?
The first person who asks me when I’m going to have a baby already is going to get kicked in the face. I know they mean well (mostly) but MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS. It always seems like people are in a rush to see semi-strangers move to the next phase of their life.
Your friend being geuniunely unable to contain her excitement at being a parent makes me really happy
What a sweet post. It sounds to me that you (and JG) are right where you need to be in terms of family starting.
As you well know, I have discussed AT LENGTH the pressure to get engaged that AS and I experience. For Mama AS, the whole engagement thing is just a necessary obstacle in her quest to get what she really wants: GRANDBABIES! MORE GRANDBABIES! Hands off my uterus, woman!
For all my engagement pressure joking, I try to remind myself that most people are not judging us. They’re curious to know where we’re at because I am their friend / daughter / colleague and they care about my happiness OR they are happily married and want me to share in the joy that they’ve found. I’m sure it’s the same with most inquirers about kids, too. Most people just aren’t quite as gracious about it as Kristy was.
baby talk gives me hives and I am not even close to being married.
In fact, I think I am itchy just reading this.
::Scratch::
It would get pretty tiring having to field all of those questions. I have to constantly deal with the “when are you getting married?” questions because we live together and have done for over 2 years but aren’t married. And worse is the common “you should be careful - he’s obviously got committment issues” because Phill hasn’t proposed. Uh, do they ever think that perhaps I don’t want to get married right now? Geez!
I hate it when people butt into your life but it’s good that you were able to see she was wanting you to share in the miracle. I agree that having kids is an amazing experience (or at least I hope it is! lol) but it’s a choice that you should be free to make yourself with no pressure from randoms!
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