I’ve probably disappointed you. By this time, at your estimation, I should be halfway through my doctoral chemistry program at a reputable New England university. After I spent a semester abroad, I should have graduated from college summa cum laude and earned a fabulous scholarship that now funds my groundbreaking research. I should have a healthy down payment saved up for a small, Cape Cod house because I don’t need a man to support me.
Alas, no. I up and got married at 22. I only spent five weeks abroad. I earned a mere bachelor’s degree, and a Bachelor of Arts, at that, without any fancy Latin after it. I’m not a scientist. We live in a blue house in the mid-Atlantic suburbs. I have to say “meatball sub” now. I learned to knit. I wear flat shoes.
I know, it seems lame, doesn’t it? (Do you still say “lame”?) You have such hopes for your professional, intellectual, adult self, and I have fallen short.
Maybe my life isn’t what you anticipate, but I’m rather fond of it, and for reasons I never could have expected. I didn’t think I’d get married at such a young age, but we make a good match. He can handle my neuroses, the likes of which you are developing for me. He’s a full-blown sports fan, and I’ve grown to love my college football team. I even have a jersey, oh, yes. Get this — we have a dog! And I am not afraid of him! I learned how to rock-climb during summer jobs, and all of that untapped gymnastics balance has an outlet. Our house doesn’t have dormers like I always wanted, but it does have a bright green living room with a big, comfy sofa. I’ve learned to enjoy hosting get-togethers, and I listen to a public radio station that doesn’t play classical music.
Even though things haven’t become what you picture, they still turned out well.
Don’t worry — some things haven’t changed. I still make great sour cream cookies, laugh really loudly, and prefer to use blue ink. I underline the date when I write in my journal, trip over my own feet, and struggle with my round brush. When I was at home after my first semester of college, Mom commented that I hadn’t changed color; I only deepened. You’ll understand.
Sometimes, life will seem really hard. And I don’t mean hard, like when you’ll have to drive all over the state to find a one-piece prom dress. I mean gut-wrenching hard, like you don’t know if you can stand it, or how others have stood it before you. It’ll be okay. You have some rough times to soldier through before things settle into something that resembles a life, but you’ll appreciate it, then.
I’ll see you when you come around.
13 comments
This was a really interesting read, RA! It makes me think about what I’d say to my high school self and how I’ve turned out based on his visions of who he’d become. I’m glad you’re happy with your life as it’s turned out thus far!
Oh, RA, this is so nice! I might steal this idea.
Nothing is better than blue ink. . .I so prefer it to black ink.
What are dormers?
I love this idea! It’s the other side of the coin from the letter to myself at 23 that I wrote at age 13 (and loved reading).
What a sweet, thoughtful reflection!
Great post.
“Hadn’t changed color, only deepened” - what a great line.
Your Mom’s comment was wonderful. This was a great post and I loved reading it!
This is lovely.
My high school self would be appalled to learn that I actually DEFEND New Jersey now.
I loved this post. (And I totally want to steal the idea.)
Excellent post, RA. I bet your high school self wouldn’t be at all disappointed with your current self.
I absolutely love this.
I may have to write one myself. Isn’t it kind of amazing, looking back at the things you expected from yourself and your life?
Sometimes things end up completely different, but totally better.
When did ‘they’ make the switch to black ink is what I want to know. When I was in junior high/high school it was all about the blue ink - every free pen you ever got was blue ink. Now, black. All the ink seems to have turned black and it saddens me - although I DO get really excited whenever I come across a blue pen.
This is a great post… And, funnily enough, I think we switched lives somewhere along the way. Because your life? Seems a lot like the one I pictured for me when I was a teenager. And mine? Is a lot like the one you pictured for yourself… Funny how life can change, and yet we - who we really, truly are - stays the same (only deeper - I love that!)
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