We sat down to dinner last Wednesday, and I looked down glumly at my grilled pork chop. I didn’t want to say anything, but my stony silence was poor camouflage.
“I’m having a hard time,” I said slowly, “but I don’t want to fight because it’s the day before our anniversary.”
JG looked up at me. “What’s wrong?”
On Monday, we broke our streak of not fighting about the kitchen renovation when JG told me that he was tired of being yelled at when things weren’t exactly to my specifications. It was a fair accusation (although I beg to differ that I don’t actually raise my voice), but my defenses rose immediately. I was tired of things not being correct, and I didn’t like nagging, but I knew anything I would have said would have come off as retaliatory. I pressed my lips together and let it lie.
The problem, as I explained that night, was that I did not feel that I could rely on JG to do the things he said he would do. I would ask him to do something, he would say yes, and then he would forget to do it or tell me to remind him. Great! Now, it’s on my to-do list. In some cases, he would say, “Remind me when I’m on the computer.” Then I’d have to make a mental note to watch for when he was on his computer but not actively involved in something, and then remember what it was I was supposed to remind him to do. Being The Constant Reminderer grated on me; why couldn’t JG remember his own tasks?
For a time, I wrote reminders on the kitchen dry-erase board so that we could avoid this frustrating dialog, but then I remembered that JG hated to get tasks via e-mail at school. “They can pile work on you without even talking to you!” he griped one evening. I didn’t want to be the faceless task assigner, and I knew there was value in the conversation — what if the task didn’t make sense or we were waiting on something else? — so I backed off the lists, and we were back where we started. I would ask JG to do something, mentally refuse to remind him if he didn’t do it (out of principle!), do it myself, become bitter, and then snap about how things in the new kitchen weren’t right. Each of our complaints fed the other. I’d peck at JG about minor things because I didn’t think he would do them, and he wouldn’t do the things I asked because he thought he’d do them incorrectly, at least in my eyes. Resentment abounded.
JG nodded as I laid out my thought process. He appreciated that I considered how a list on the board would be impersonal, but having a tangible list was helpful because what is on the front of my mind is not necessarily the same for him. To my relief, JG understood how the reminders put the onus right back on me, and neither of us liked how reminding quickly morphed into nagging.
“So, what do we do?” I asked.
For now, we’re going to try the dry erase board list again, except that I’ll include rough timeframes when I jot down reminders. Yesterday, I wrote, “Transfer money for groomer: this week,” and “Return library books: Wednesday,” because we had talked about how he would do these things. If he has objections or questions, we can talk about it, but at least the task is in his frame of reference. I just hope we’ll get away from the ask-forget-remind-forget-resent progression.
13 comments
Good for you. Sometimes it is just DIFFICULT to live with someone else. I’m so impressed at how you both brought up your concerns and appear to have come to a good solution!
And in the end, open communication saved the day!
I totally understand where you are coming from, I guess I will secretly say thanks now that my hubby is a list-maker too!
I have to tell you how refreshing it is to hear that other people have these kinds of moments, too. It’s easy to forget that no one communicates perfectly all the time. Sometimes I feel incompetent at expressing myself. It sounds like you guys came up with a great compromise, though. Nice!
I hope the list works. I also think that if you’re REMINDING him through the list, rather than ASKING him through it, it’s different. You ask him to his face if he can do it, so you can actually discuss it. Once it’s agreed that he’ll do it, THEN it goes on the dry erase board. That way there are no surprises for him.
I was just about to say what Jess said — have the conversation first, then put the “reminder” on the dry erase board. That way you avoid the “impersonal” request, but it also doesn’t fall on you to do the reminding. It might even help if you discuss something and HE is the one to write in on the dry erase board so he gets into the habit of creating his own reminders for things.
Oh man. This so happens in my marriage. Or he’ll make dinner or offer to look for something, then ask me a thousand questions about how I want him to accomplish those tasks. It makes me think that 1) I’m a nag or 2) He’s lazy, and either option presents a direct ticket to resentment. I think what it comes down to is this: We pull our own weight, and do what we can to make pulling one’s own weight easier for the other person. If he needs lists? I’ll make lists. If I need him to just figure something out? He’ll just figure it out without bugging me. Etc.
Maybe to lighten up the dry-erase board you can put tasks on like, “Kiss me passionately.” And “Go play volleyball with your friends.” Maybe it’s too cheesy, but I know that my husband would find it amusing, at least the first time.
Oh dear, I am the Constant Reminderer Borderline Nagger of our relationship, too. I truly think this is a male versus female issue, that women are just programmed to be way more conscientious of the Things That Need To Be Done whereas men just aren’t. And it’s not that they don’t care. It’s just not on their radar the same way it is on ours. Which is why lists — honey-dos, gah barf, I know — are extremely helpful in our case.
Roth has Fridays off, and if I don’t make him a physical list, stuff just doesn’t get done. And it’s not like the stuff I’m asking him to do is beyond reasonable. It’s just stuff like you mentioned — transfer money, make an appointment, etc. I think he enjoys being able to cross tasks off a list, just like I do. So it works for us.
But yeah, I hear ya on the “remind me to do that” thing. I’ve got a lot going on, too, what with hauling a baby to and from daycare and breaking during my workday to pump to remember to send him an e-mail about that one thing we talked about late the night before that needs to get done. What was it again?
It sounds like you guys have found a compromise to your problem, and I’ll be interested to know how it works out.
Good for you! We have the same issues. I feel like whenever I remind him he takes it as nagging, so then I just end up doing whatever needs to be done, because I don’t want to be a nag. And then it builds and builds and builds until he tells me to ask for help… although I still don’t think I should have to ask for help with the dishes. They need to be done every day, right?!
We do some lists though and I also recently bought a metal strip with magnets from the Container store and stuck it on the door to the garage, so I can leave him notes or things he needs to remember (like daycare checks) there.
Oh, it helps to hear that other couples have these issues! It also helps to hear an example of how you guys handle it, because the mister and I seem locked in this I ask-he agrees-he forgets or doesn’t want to-I wait and wait-I nag-I give in and do it-we fight cycles. I would dearly love to have some other way of doing it, so thanks for the example.
I play this role a LOT in my relationship.
And it’s annoying.
The thing is, it’s not like Tim is irresponsible. I don’t know what it is when it comes to things I need him to do that are really important, or that he said he would do them.
I’m really glad that it didn’t turn into a fight.
I think if I were to remodel a kitchen with my husband, neither of us would live to tell the tale. You guys have excellent communication. To even talk things out like that is pretty impressive. Good luck with the white board!
Yeah, we have this same problem. It’s rough. I hate being the reminder-er. I also hate when things don’t get done!
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